So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Duck Duck Cougar?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Someone signed my nipple.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
