Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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