mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
