Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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