dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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