The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
