I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
