tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't deserve a penis
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize