Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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