I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
