I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
