1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize