Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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