I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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