Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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