I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
