she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
