I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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