dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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