i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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