So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
