Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
