I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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