she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
