When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
