White coat. Heels.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
