I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
