Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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