My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
