he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
