Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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