I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
