i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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