Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
