I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
