At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
