She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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