Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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