Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
COCAINE IS GR8
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
