I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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