Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
