I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
