i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
