I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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