His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
