My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
