but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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