Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It's Friday. Sex?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
