That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
