I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
