I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
