Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
