made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
