sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize