mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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