I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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