You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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