This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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