Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
