Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
